Let's Set Free

After all, it's all about rising above from the judgements surrounding us and setting ourselves free. Free from everything that pulling us down and becoming your own SUPERHERO!

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Hi guys! What’s up! This is Shefali, welcoming you all, on THE, FIRST EVER EPISODE of my podcast! Woohoo! Thank you so so so much for tuning in! 

Ok, this is really exciting, I mean I can’t believe I am finally doing this, because with this podcast I aim to talk about how to shine as your own hero, finding self-love and, challenging these norms laid by Indian society especially those for women, and lot more stuff. This podcast is about my journey, my life story so far and thus it’s all the more special to me. So, I would be questioning a lot of things around us which we have been asked to just follow blindly. I would also talk about how and when my focus shifted from how others looked at me to how I look at myself.

And most importantly, I would talk about the judgements and harassments faced by a widow on a regular basis. So, this podcast is for anyone who asks a lot of questions, who has lot of unanswered questions, who is fighting the same struggles as me, who has been “there” at some point in their life, or knows someone who is facing such struggles, who believe that society has changed because well it’s 21st century and we really hoped that it would change and lastly for all those who wish to bring a happy change in the society we live in.

So before we delve into my story a little background about me. By now you know who I am, though I am also known as Shally at home and Shef among friends. I have three degrees, a graduation in computers and two masters one in HR and other in Fashion Management along with several professional courses under my belt. I live with my parents and we are a small family of four. I have a 2 year old startup of designer gift packaging and here I am in front of you, in front of whole world sharing my story in this pursuit of altering the world, one step at a time. 

In 2012, I was 22 years old when I got married to an amazing human being. His name was Kanishak, and from here on, I would be referring to him as Mr.K. We knew everything about each other and, when I say everything, I mean EVERYYYYTHING including our deepest secrets. It started with friendship and kindled into a love so strong that knew no bounds. Like all marriages, our marriage had its fair share of troubles too, but we always found our way through. Mr.K was one of its kind, a beautiful person inside, out and soon he became my whole world. But they say all good things come to an end, though I never knew mine will end so soon, in 2015 I lost him to a heart attack and that was end of our chapter together, and the world that I built with him came down crashing in just few seconds. How we met, and how I got to marry so early, I will talk about all that some other day.

It has been 5 years this 2020 and yes, I still miss him, I mean no human being can ever forget such loss, but I have grown used to the pain now and also all the judgements that I am subjected to.

You know every person’s lifecycle has various stages, and each stage is different, but one thing remains common in all these, that is the necessity of another human being as we proceed in this journey of ours. In our initial years after being born we need our parents, grandparents, uncles, aunties basically a mini army who would make the transition from being born to first day of school as smooth as possible. Then more people get added to this swarm, and teachers and friends gets added to it, who makes our progression towards being a teenager smooth. We often discuss our class fights, grade cards, crushes with our friends more than with our first set of people, at least in a middle-class family in India we do. Then we meet our colleagues, life partners, kids, their kids and this chain continues until it’s time for our story to end. 

Throughout all these transitions, an unnecessary factor travels with us continuously. Hidden secretively behind all these faces, sometimes in these faces and ready to pound on us any/every time. This factor is what we call as, “societal judgements”. While I agree that human being is a social animal and society is important but I strongly feel that societal judgements are NOT.AT.ALL important. They hinder our growth, make us weak and take a deadly toll on us. I think it is that poison which is being stirred in our life continuously and we are so used to it, we are not even conscious about it, let alone do anything about it. 

I would not say that I am completely unaffected by it, yes it does affect me at times, but now I have become conscious about it and I make regular efforts to rise above it. In the initial years of losing my husband, my dressing, my crying, my laughing, my going out, my staying in, EVERYTHING used to pass these prying eyes but not now. No, I have not cocooned myself, neither have I stopped doing what I please, nor have they stopped with their comments and judgements, BUT now, I have just stopped doing what they want me to do unless I want the same. I am no longer their puppet and it took me sometime to be here where I am today.

As I speak to you, I remember one anecdote, it was after several months of losing Mr.K. One of our relatives was repeatedly requesting my mumma, to visit them along with me, and to quote them, “It would be a nice change for her, as she has not stepped out for so long”. I did not attend their son’s marriage because it happened during the same time. The occasion was special for two reasons, my first step out of the house in real world and second I was about to meet my their new daughter in law in person for the first time. 

After much hesitation, persuasion and reluctance, I finally gave in. I got up and got ready. I wore a simple knee-length black solid color dress, with slightly colorful shrug, a flat pair of bellies, tied up hair with just a lip gloss. Now remember these details. I went out to meet them with my mother. We reached there after a one and half hour-long drive, and were met by the relative’s family. After exchanging pleasantries and after everyone got an eyeful of me, the host ladies went to kitchen to bring us water and some snacks. I went after them to help them and I caught them whispering while they discussed my clothing!

They were gossiping and were discussing how my dressing was inappropriate since my marital status has changed from Married to Widow and SUCH clothes are highly inappropriate now. They all mutually agreed that I should dress more PROPERLY. Imagine the blow! As an Indian girl, this was not the first time someone questioned something about me, but this time it was hard to just let it slide. What happened that day was, the anguish of this screening got clubbed with the pain I was going through. At that time in my life all I needed was support not criticism, no sympathy, and if someone is incapable of lending support, then all I needed was to be left alone. I was neither asking support from others nor I was looking forward to this critical analysis of my walk, talk, dressing sense and pretty much everything about me. While I was seeking solitude in the pain life has thrown at me, I stepped out on this family’s invitation, my first human interaction apart from my immediate family after the tragic loss that we faced and such reactions from none other than, the family of my first cousin. I was shocked, I was hurt and I was once again devastated. I started finding faults in myself, I wanted to run and hide in my mother’s lap. I wanted to cry, to shout. I wanted to tell my mother to get up and leave without giving any reasons for doing so. I once again wanted to ask, where am I wrong in all this. What did I do to deserve all this? Why am I being subjected to this critical analysis and who are these people to judge me? And lastly, I blamed my family who forced me into dressing like THIS. 

Can you imagine, what it would have felt like? It’s been almost 5 years to this incidence but it still made my eyes wet as I narrate this to you. That day, I should have asked everyone out there, is there a dress code, is there a code of conduct which I should have followed and somehow missed, and if the answer to this is yes, then those who feel so may go and rub their noses in it! But that day, I was the weakest I have ever been, I didn’t have the courage to stick for myself and my so-called relatives took the better of me.

Words cannot fathom the power of your own family accepting you or rejecting you. Here we were called and rejected, I did not ask for any of it and this is one of many such critical analyses I have been long subjected to. And, not just me, my family comes in package deal as well. We were and still are the favorite topic to discuss whenever our extended families, societal gatherings fall short of any topic.   

Is this brutal screening really necessary? Is it so hard for one human being to be there for another human being, especially when he/she is wounded? Is it necessary to make them feel some pity piece when all they want is to be left alone with their pains? And, if we cannot be there to support each other, is it really necessary to criticize? Why do we have this need to judge how he/she should grieve? Who defines all this? Why is it so hard to accept that each individual can have different coping mechanisms, individualistic methods to grieve? Please think, please give this a two minute of your time and you will find multiple incidents from around you where you have either wronged someone or YOU have been wronged by someone. Let’s bring about this change together and make everyone feel valued. 

As much as I hope that no one relates to this, I know there are many women across the globe, especially in India who can relate to this incident on many levels. But it’s time, it’s time, we break this chain, and we break free. It’s time we defy those who always want to trap us in their golden cages and deny us of any our fundamental rights. It’s time we follow our heart and set the course for ourselves then whatever the consequence might be. I am privileged to have the support of my little brother and my parents, who believe in me. And I want to be that support for all of you listening to this. Let’s set ourselves and those who are in need, FREE.

I am filled with soooo many stories and I am escalated to share all those with you in my coming episodes. Next episode, I will take you to a topic utterly amusing, bemusing and one that always leave me in splits. It’s about me, and a hilarious point of association meant for objects but used for women since ages. So, don’t forget to tune in next week and listen all about it.

Well, before saying goodbyes, I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, if you are curious to know more about me and you want to witness the change coming, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify and Buzzsprout. And, I would love to listen to your stories, so you can always write in, share your journey and who knows we can take up your story to spread some light across as well, as there is so much to learn from each one of you out there. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.