Fresh or Not, Fret Not!

This episode I talk about an utterly amusing topic, a hilarious point of association used for women since ages, which people still find difficult to let go. Tune In, to get an insight about my personal experiences with same as well.

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Hello guys, how have you been? Once again we meet! Thank you so much for tuning in to the newest episode of Ranting and Relieving with me, Shefali.  

So, if you guys have made it to today’s episode, then I suppose you liked my first one and are intrigued to know more. Yay! Trust me when I say so, I have so much to share with all of you, with this world, that many a times I am left struggling from where to start and how to start. Suddenly it is dawning on me, that how difficult it is to narrate your own life story rather than narrating any other story you come across.

With this episode and with many upcoming, I will try to streamline it and structure it well enough so that it’s easy to process and understand my journey well. So, let’s dive right in and begin with where we left off. As promised in my last episode I will be talking about one of the many associations used for women since ages and has always made me crack up. It’s hilarious!

First things first, are you familiar with the word FRESH? Yeah you heard it F.R.E.S.H. Well, according to Merriam Webster, fresh means having its original qualities unimpaired such as not stale, sour or decayed. We commonly associate these words with food products, plants, trees, air quality and such things. But my beloved countrymen associate the word FRESH with women as well and might I add, quite proudly.

You must be wondering why is she blabbering about this word so much and how possibly can people use this in regards to women. I mean, how? So, allow me to take you through one of the most peculiar incidents of my life. It was just after few months I lost Mr.K in 2015. There was a swarm of “concerned” relatives, extended relatives, uncles, aunties and on-lookers ready to pound in with their tricks and tips to overcome the loss and how getting married again was the only way out of this grief. They all asked me to think of Mr. K as some random dude I met, whom I dated and then eventually we parted ways. I was like, really now! First that’s not dating, that’s a fling and second, are you even a human yourself? Is this your definition of the bonds people share? A snap and you expect this. {ha ha ha ha}

Any way moving forward, my grief-stricken parents agreed to the idea of getting me married again, thinking that it might possibly bring happiness to their daughter’s life. And thus, began the search for, who will become Shefali’s husband? As if this wasn’t torture for the grief struck us, what ensued this was even more tormenting. Soon my profile was circulated to every marriage bureau around India and was on every matrimonial website. All of these people overwhelmed us with numerous package deals of VIP, VVIP, Platinum, Gold, Silver or should I say every possible membership that they could. We came across multiple frauds too who took their fees and were never to be found again.  

We were really overwhelmed by all this because we met Mr.K and his family through a mutual family friend and gladly, back then we never had to go to such lengths. But this time things were different. The same “concerned” relatives who suggested this idea of marriage were nowhere to be seen when my parents checked with them for any suitable prospects. Well, there were three reasons, I was just 25, at this age people were looking for matches to marry for the first time, while my folks searched for the second time, next my marital status being WIDOW, a divorcee would have been better, because being widow meant I probably ate my husband out of starvation and I will eat them or their son next, for some I was a bad omen, for some I would never forget Mr.K, well I won’t, quite similar to you all, who cannot forget their ex-partner whom they divorced, or their parents or their siblings, their pets or their children and the last reason being, “I was NOT fresh!”. While other reasons I was able to comprehend, this took me a minute or so to make sense. 

 It took a while for my parents to discuss this reason with me, my mother told me about this. It was one particular evening when she was fuming with anger after a heated phone call. I went to her and asked what happened, she stared at me with tears in her eyes and cried profusely. So far, my parents held themselves in front of me but that day she was not able to take it anymore. She cried and in between sobs, she said what do they mean by not fresh?? What do they mean, she yelled. I was confused, I tried to console her and enquired what’s not fresh ma? Who was on the phone? Pls explain. She cried even badly after this, held me with shoulders and said, “You are no longer fresh, You. It is you who is not fresh” and then she hugged me really tight. As a lightening it stuck me. Irony of the situation was, losing Mr.K was the reason of finding a match again and the same thing became the reason for not finding one. I was numb and I don’t remember for how long we hugged and cried that day. 

 BEING fresh = Being FREE of the following labels:

 1.     Widow

2.     Divorcee

3.     A single mother

4.     Someone whose wedding has been called off.

While NOT Being Fresh meant a girl who is just the opposite of all these.

My education, my intellect, my personality, nothing matters as much as my marital status. Some tags given by society are considered far more important over a human in flesh, who is capable of so much more than her marital status. Physically we have grown and have come a long distance from ape times but mentally we are STILL STUCK there. Sometimes I wonder and can’t help laughing at this absurdity, whose origin is still unknown to mankind, well I surely don’t know about it. If you have any clue about this, then pls enlighten me as well.

To my surprise, many heads nodded in agreement with this DEMAND of boy and his family of marrying a FRESH girl when the boy in question himself was a father of a child or in all other cases a divorcee/widower himself. Double standards at its best!

 I mean I was flabbergasted, how shallow people can be, how sick they can be. What do they want from us, women? What does a “FRESH” girl has which a “NON FRESH” girl doesn’t? I was wondering while I was too busy grieving did I grow a pair of antlers or two heads or extra pair of limbs or what has changed about me except one detail which has eventually led to more maturity and is a symbol of how I stood against the hard times. So, their loss I guess. ;)

 These same reasons were given by all those marriage bureaus and websites as well, whom while offering packages had plenty of suitable matches but now, nada.

 I have a question for all these families, for the boys in these families, why does a tag become greater than the person? Why are women constantly labelled and judged for something which no one has a good explanation for? If she is a widow, a big part of our society considers as a bad omen who will bring her bad luck into their families, they think she ate her last husband and nothing can satisfy her hunger and she will eat her next partner or his family as well.

 If she is a divorcee, she must have been too smart, strong headed, stubborn, there must be something wrong with her, she must be putting her personal wishes above everything, before any/everyone and she doesn’t know how to manage relationships. If someone had their marriage called off, then also the girl must have been at fault while the boy walks away with another girl the very next day and the wait for girl is endless.

 In my country, there are different rule books for men and women. While just being born with male genitals is pride enough, a female has to pass quality checks at every other step. And, god forbid, she fails, we have an instant label maker, to stick a label at her forehead.

But, when it comes to men, fooling around with multiple women or doing whatever they want without the fear of judgement is their birthright. This is what that defines their masculinity after all! Sadly, women in my country have been taught, a little compromise, some adjustments, keeping quiet, tolerating stuff is what relationships are all about and what’s even sadder is that we ACCEPT this. And this is where we fail ourselves and give the power to this condescending society. And my dear listeners, it’s time we stop the wheel.

 It’s imperative that the world around us change and realize that they are NO ONE to judge us. I mean it’s not their birthright to steal our freedom, our peace of mind. Are the men in our society being subjected to such harshness, such assessments? Why do we have such hypocritical rule for men and women here? Why are we subjected to die in every breath and live according to the RULES laid by this patriarchy? Why? When I am supposed to not let my past dwell in my present and future, then why does it become a pointer in labelling me? How can I move ahead, or how can any woman move ahead when everyone out there ensures she always live by this crown they bestow upon her head while these very same people look down on her if she reminisces her past and refuse to settle for anything less. What is this absurdity? Even they are not clear on their expectations.

 I am not saying that all men, all families function like this but to my utter disbelief, in past 5 years I met only one family who thought beyond that. Rest everyone operates on the same line. Is it not the responsibility of every boy and girl, man and woman out there to educate their families, to think above all this and treat human as human? Is this too much to ask for? What parameters have they set for men, if these are for women? Why are we treated as commodities, like we are some courier parcels who when returned from their last buyer must come intact with all labels and tags, nothing new would be entertained nor something less would be accepted. Trying to make impossible, possible eh? Hmmm.

 Instead of asking about our education, our career, our ambitions, our life skills, they check for these silly labels, they give these power upon us, they ask about how much money a girl’s parents will put in their bank accounts and even ask her to drop her career altogether without her having a say in it. And when you carry all such tags, they ask you to compromise, and by that they mean is, as soon as there is a prospect, pounce on him and get married. “WE DON’T CARE WHAT DO YOU WANT”,”YOU HAVE A LABEL, YOU WEREN’T SUFFERING ENOUGH, SO NOW YOU SUFFER EVEN MORE”. From experience I am telling you, the moment you say no, they will just blast off and say all sort of nasty things, like she must not have so much tantrums, no one will accept her, for one she is a widow and then she is putting this drama. I have been loathed for not saying yes to the proposal of married men who are twice my age, proposal of man who has kids almost half my age, men with no career, men who are no match to me and single men who were “just” asking for a flat and business and were doing a favor to me and my parents by marrying me. 

 I am privileged that I have been raised with an open mindset to question all this, to discuss these topics which are extremely sensitive to the society from which I come. It often pains me and makes me wonder, what about those who are still suffering, who are suffering more than I am, who is raising voice for them, who will tell them it’s ok to fight for your own self, who will tell them you are much, much more than just being a trophy wife, an ideal daughter, a perfect mother for someone. Who? Who will tell them that it’s ok to speak for your own self? Who will ask them to be just be THEMSELVES! 

 I consider myself as the fortunate one to have come across such feeble mindsets before things escalated and I even thank them for being straightforward and saving me from the hectic process of divorce because no sane person can live with such shallow mentality. Initially we used to get upset as a family, that what has become of our society but eventually we learnt to laugh it off and made our peace with it. 

 With this, I conclude today’s episode and urge to whoever is listening right now, it’s time to change the notions we treat people especially women. It’s time we educate ourselves and our families. Let’s bring a change and be a part of this revolutionizing moment. And to all the ladies tuned in, as a fellow Indian woman, I get it, I do. And trust me when I say so, there is a world beyond all this. So, people Fresh or not, FRET NOT! 

 I strongly believe in destiny, with time I have this realization that if I am put through this test which life threw at me, then it’s only to make me stronger, to get acquainted with a better version of myself and simply because I had the potential to evolve and fight through. So, if I happen to meet someone after all this, then it would be nothing short of cosmic connection where all this would not matter as it should never have. I learnt this prayer, which really helps me through, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

 With this it’s time for me to say goodbye. I will see you in my next episode where I will talk about all things magic and how it changed my life for the better. Before that, I just have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, if you are curious to know more about me, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Be my partner in bringing this change. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover my podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google Podcast, TuneIn, Buzzsprout and all major providers. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned! This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.