“Only if he had known the world to be so, he would have never left her behind. As the eyes filled with stars he so loved, are now swelled up with tears and cries.”
Hi guys! How have you been? This is Shefali, once again welcoming you all on my podcast Ranting and Relieving. I hope you are liking it so far and are happy with the direction it’s going in. Today’s episode is about magic, magical experiences and conquering all the odds. So let’s dive right in.
I think many of you might have heard about the act that we put up in front of people because at times that is how they want us to behave, and just to gain their acceptance we do so. We act and we act, and finally we are staring at a stranger in the mirror and don’t know who we actually are. So, today I will be talking about the biggest irony of my life. Move on, move on, they say and when I do try that, how can you, they say? Funny isn’t it?
I would be completely honest with you guys, in initial two, two and a half years, I never thought about finding love again or marrying again, but after a year or so, whenever my brother cracked silly jokes I did want to laugh, I did want to go out on lunch and coffee dates with my friends, I did want to feel myself again. But I was numb, I had no zeal, I had given up on life, I used to think whatever days are left for me, let those pass in peace, I don’t want any judgements, I don’t want to fight and I shall just continue breathing till the time comes as I used to reason that in no world am I subjecting my family to more pain, than they have already endured and thus, bearing with life was my last resort.
But, I was living in the fear of judgements, judgement from all those people who should have never mattered to me. And I completely let go about the people who mattered to me the most, my parents, my brother and my friends. I was a living and breathing dummy. Whenever I laughed at some gathering, some people gave me a sympathetic eye, oh poor girl finally smiled, some gave me a distasteful eye, oh she didn’t take much time, she is already over it. Whenever my friends took me out, my neighbors ensured they cross checked me head to toe from one of their guidebooks. Whenever I met a married friend, there was an old uncle or aunty whispering in their spouse’s ear, be careful this one might snatch your partner, so I started avoiding those friends and my friends had no clue. Whenever I was lonely and needed someone, a someone who cannot be your friends or family at times, I pretended I don’t need anyone. And soon, whenever I looked in the mirror, not just the twinkle in my eyes had gone away, I was a complete stranger for myself as well. I was lost. I was barely surviving.
According to the society I was born and brought up in, the only closure to the loss of Mr. K would be marrying me off again, so I and my family are brutally trolled at times for not pouncing on at any or every proposal that comes my way irrespective of the fact if I am ready for it or not, irrespective of any of the personal choices that I might have. I should accept them because, “lucky me, atleast there is someone who wants to get married to a WIDOW!” According to everybody out there, I should not have an opinion about my own life decisions, I MUST NOT have any choice or whatsoever while everybody else can have a piece of me to further tear me apart.
This continued for some 2 and a half years, when I just cried, stared at the ceilings in night and cried all night long, blaming God, blaming Mr K for leaving me, blaming my destiny. Then one fine day, my mother took me to discuss about a professional gift packaging course, since as a child I used to find pleasure in all things art and loved gifting my dear ones handmade stuff, so she thought this might bring me back. At the school, the principal asked me, why do you want to do this course? And I simply shrugged and said, I don’t have anything else to do, and I need to do something to pass my time, so why not this?
That lady was really sharp, she saw my pain and my mother told her my story. She asked me to join a 3-day course with some other folks and claimed it to be a life altering experience. She placed her own course on the backseat and emphasized that I do that and if need be, I choose that course upon the one she was offering. I mean who does that in today’s world? Rarely, right? This piqued my interest and I thought wow she really does mean that, I mean she was turning down lakhs of fees so that I can do this course. And, she arranged for an introduction for us and I saw a small ray of hope where I can steer my life again and thus, I signed up.
That course, that lady my principal, brought me back from dead and I shall be eternally grateful to them for this. It indeed was a life altering experience, I broke down all the shackles which were holding me, after almost 3 years, I slept through the night, I saw my parents smiling again, my brother opening up to me and most importantly my eyes were twinkling and in the mirror it was me!
The magic that happened was, I opened up a world for myself and created a possibility where my marital status didn’t overpower me, I accepted it, the way it is and grew beyond that. I had the realization that my marital status and I myself are two different things altogether. I accepted that I lost Mr.K in THE past, something that already happened must not define my present and my future. I realized this life is my story and I have the power to make or break it, and because I don’t like the way it is going, I have the power to create a life that I want. Just really think of it as a story and analyse it, ask yourself do you like it’s ending the way it is going? If yes, then pls go ahead and continue else let’s change our story altogether. I had two options, one to sulk away, cry, and be at others disposal, and let others steer the course of my life or to take the driving seat, to claim back the control of my OWN life and explore the realm filled with endless opportunities that I can create for myself. Each time I felt low or reached a dead end, I repeated and repeated this, ”It’s my story, I can change it however I like it, I just have to wish and act upon it.”
It’s equally true that a part of Mr.K will always be there in every part of me, and he always wanted me to broaden my horizon, soar high in skies, always guided me through thick and thin, so I owe this much to myself and to him, to live this life fully while I can. I realized until I become comfortable with this reality of my life and accept it as it is, I can’t expect others to feel that way about me.
Well, who is better to accept you the way you are than your own self?
Thus, my friends, acceptance is the key and the first step just like the 12-step program. Accept your story, embrace your flaws, because those are the ones that make you, you! Our imperfections make the perfect us and nothing else. Like your story, love your journey, pat your backs for you have crossed so many hurdles and you are the point which once seemed impossible. Like for me, five years back I never thought I would be here, doing my own podcast, creating art, writing poems, this all seems so surreal when I look back at 2015. And I am proud of myself for all that I have overcame and I am stronger than ever. Today, I am a much better version of myself.
Today, I discuss about getting married again with an open mind and heart, I discuss about my career, my future study plans, I go out with my friends, I go on solo trips and I continuously upgrade my skill set with one or the other activity. I am living the life in this very moment. Life is happening in this very moment, not a moment ago and not a moment ahead. So, what’s stopping you from living to your heart’s content? What’s that blockage you are not able to cross?
My dear friend, if you are stuck at a point in your life where you don’t know what lies ahead, I would say just listen to your heart and if the answer comes yes, then go for it and see what happens, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want, at least in few years you will be able to say, I did try and you will not live in the regret of maybe’s. At least give yourself a chance that you seek from someone else out there, believe in yourself, trust your instincts. Every breath you take is a step closer to your last breath, so make each breathe count!
Celebrate this moment, celebrate life, celebrate your story, because no one else can write, act, direct and narrate your story better than yourself. Make it the one that you want to hear someday or you want to share with others someday.
So, I hope this does bring a cheer in your life, a smile on your lips and a jump in your walk. This sense of my virtual family brings me such warmth and I feel really connected to all of you out there. You guys tuning in and listening to me, means so so so much to me. I love you guys!
Well well, before saying goodbyes, like always I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, if you are curious to know more about me and you want to witness the change coming, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, Buzzsprout and all major providers out there. And guys, I would really love to listen to your stories, so do write in, share your journey and let’s be an inspiration to each other and grow as superheroes together. You can find my details on Buzzsprout’s website. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.
