Tell me, Why not?

Why not, to the every Why that comes my way? Because I am worth it, you are worth it and we all are worth it!  Tune in, to discover a world where our diversities become our strength and not our weaknesses. Shine brighter and smile wider.

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Podcast Episode 4

Who defines right and wrong? And, what is actually right and wrong? Is there a specific definition for this? Well not just specific, we have a gender, caste, region and, religion specific definition of same. Sometimes I just can’t stop wondering how easier things would have been if like gravity, laws of action and reaction, universal standards of mathematics, to have a universal definition of right and wrong for one and all irrespective of their demographics and diversities.

We have unnecessarily and quite effortlessly confused our lives. We have made it all hard at each and every step. Phew..Hey everyone, once again welcome back to the Ranting and Relieving. You are with me Shefali, your host and this is episode 4. I am grateful to all of you for tuning in week by week and encouraging me throughout.

Today’s episode is all about equality in every respect and irrespective of anything. In my very first episode, I promised you guys that I will be putting up a lot of questions, so here comes the wave. In my country, why does a man who is cheating on his partner considered as a pardonable offence whereas when it comes to women it is formidable? Why is it ok for a man to marry as many times as he like at whatever age he pleases and why is it so wrong for a woman? Why is it ok for a man to prioritize his career and when does it become such an offence for a woman? Why is it always assumed from a woman that by default she will let go of all her dreams, dressing choices and sum total of her personality once she is married, while the man’s life remains largely unaffected? Why is it ok for a man to vocalize his sexual desires but the same becomes a pointer for character assassination if done by woman? Why a man is not questioned about choosing between his career or kids, but by default it is assumed that a woman will not be able to balance both and must leave her career behind and should always have her kids and family as her ONLY choice? Why does her workplace assume that she will not be able to perform and she is not even given a chance to prove them wrong? Do we hear such things happening to men?

Why does as a country we take it in our stride to look down upon men who respect equality in their relationships and at times take a backseat so that their partners can fly? Why is it ok for a man at the age of 50 to get married again and a woman is loathed if she dares to ask for another companion at a later age when she loses her last one? Why is it perfectly normal for a 55 year old man to refer himself as a young boy on matrimonial websites and assume that a 25 year old girl is dying to marry him while it is considered absolutely absurd for a woman who has been divorced or a widow or a mother of two to even think that she can have any man as her partner as long as they both are a perfect match for each other?

In the year 2018 one of my friend from MBA contacted me to get her engagement ring platter designed. She is settled in Canada and was coming to India for her marriage. We were in contact through Instagram and Facebook, but had never met face to face since 2012. I was extremely happy that she trusted me with it. We mutually agreed on a design and it turned out exquisite. At the time of package delivery, we met and caught up on the last 6 years. She told me about some distant uncle who had married 4 times with some 2 or 3 children at the age of 52 while India as a country makes it tough for a woman to get married even for the first time. She stated how we as a nation are far behind and take pleasure in oppressing our women, no matter how much we blabber about equal rights for women. Many a times, my own friends have asked me to step out of my own homeland, my country to have a judgement free viewpoint for both my personal and professional life. And, trust me it hurts, it hurts a lot that at this point in my life, the cost of living could be leaving my own land behind. This is one of the many reasons I wanted to do this podcast. I want my voice to be heard, and even if it changes one life, I will consider my job done. 

Not just this, we have been contacted by men who were 50-55 years old and asked my hand in marriage, when my parents refused their proposals, they foul mouthed my family. On the contrary, when we reached out to some proposals who have been divorced, we were rejected saying, “our son’s marriage ended in 15 days, your daughter was married for 3 years, so please excuse us.” Some said, “everything is fine, but this won’t work, because your daughter’s husband DIED, if she would have been a divorcee, we might have considered her”. Some said,” our astrologer always said, our son will do great charity, so naturally this seems like it and hence we are ready to accept your daughter, you just give our son a bungalow and a running business along with her”. Then there came few, who thought nursing their differently abled son is the least I can do since no one wants a WIDOW. In our last 5 years of search we have hardly come across 1-2 widowed men, both of them had kids and trust me when I say so, being a step mom is no piece of cake in India. Let me share one of many instances with you.

A friend of my mother passed away all of a sudden and she left behind her husband and her teenage son. Gladly, after some time uncle found his companion and got married to a lady who has two daughters of her own. Uncle’s son has always been obese, lethargic, a dull student and was clueless about his life. And auntie’s death made it only worst. After his dad’s marriage, whenever his new mother suggested him some lifestyle changes including exercise, healthy eating, career guidance, counselling, she was made the villain lady stating how she treats him and her daughters differently, while she loved her daughters, she hated her husband’s son. She became the favorite subject of nay-sayers and uncle went through the societal hate as well for marrying such woman, instead of marrying someone who could have been free of any children or “liabilities” (in society’s words) of her own. She was constantly taunted as how she and her daughters are enjoying a comfortable life while she is making it worse for the boy so that he might leave the family completely someday. Even her new son didn’t like her much and obviously relatives ensured he stayed that way. 

Fortunately, his new mother was strong willed and nothing deter her from thinking well for him. Friends, family and relatives complained how she is not feeding the boy, how she is making him run extra miles and stressing on dedicated hours to study but she didn’t pay any heed to whatsoever people said and today that boy is super fit, healthy, is happily enrolled in a professional degree course with a promised job from a marvelous organization, has beautiful relations with her step sisters, step mother and dad. He can’t stop thanking her for changing his life for better and he has a happy family once again. But as you can see, she went through so much hate, struggle, and I am happy that she overcame all that, but everyone doesn’t have that resilience. Each child needs a unique treatment, a different kind of attention but when the child in question is a step child, a woman is brutally trolled for treating her own born child and step child differently. People around her totally ignore the fact, that as a mother she is doing what’s best for her children. A woman might be ready to mother someone else’s child as her own but Indian society makes it yet another challenge for her, by forever labelling her as a “step mother”. Why?

Furthermore, when a couple gets married, the very next moment there are uncles and aunties poking their noses in their lives forcing them to have children as soon as they can and when those same people part ways for any reason whatsoever, the same children are referred as “issue”. You can often hear them asking, “does the girl has an issue?”. Usually men ask their estranged partners to take the child with them so that they don’t have to settle for anything less than a non-tagged girl which is a MUST for their ego boost. And as soon as a girl says she has a child from her last marriage or “issue”, she is again left waiting, stating she will never be able to love a child that she might have from her new relation and the one she already has from her last marriage equally.

Doesn’t this make you feel angry? Why this disparity? Why this difference in attitude? Why are we so opinionated towards one gender? Initially, it angered me tremendously but now it only makes me sad. We talk about 21st century while our minds are still stuck in 16th century. A close relative of mine lost her partner at the age of 53 and even her kids feel disgusted if I ask them to look for a companion for her as she would have no one to spend her old age with. They reason out by saying she will have our kids to pass her time with and she should focus on spirituality rather than this stupid idea of having someone to talk to in her old age while her kids and their kids get busy with their lives.

You will be surprised to know that in online dating as well, guys such as orthopedic surgeons, engineers rejected me for my marital status and earlier I used to have faith that knowledge brings sanity, but here a doctor himself failing his profession. Apparently, I was cool enough to hangout with but when I asked for any sort of commitment, I would not fit in their “perfect” family picture. There could be a possibility that they only wanted flings or whatever they please, but giving this excuse was so easy and deep within me, I knew I cannot challenge it further. So well played.

In another instance, on one of my solo trips, I fathomed tremendous amount of courage and did something completely opposite of my personality, I took the charge and shared my contact details with a guy I found really cute. He reached back, and we found out he was 4 years younger to me, and like an unsaid thing, it was established that we can only be friends and we don’t have a chance. I myself was worried, that if something as miniscule as age is of such importance to him then he would never be able to digest the tags that I come with. And even if he somehow did and, if things get serious, his family won’t. Sometimes I feel that I have been tagged and bagged! Hahahaha.

In India while it is completely normal for a girl to marry a man who can be of her dad’s age, it’s still a shock to digest the opposite of it. Nick and Priyanka’s age gap is still a hot topic of discussion while Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan age gap is just perfect. You can see that as a nation we are completely ignorant of individual preferences and choices. Women in my country are marching shoulder to shoulder with men in every field, navy, army, corporates, space, sports, analytics, everywhere but still we need to prove our worth in professional as well as personal lives time and again. And I have absolutely no idea why?

I am still to find answers to these why’s but be assured that I am not going to rest until I find these answers. I mean all I am asking, all any woman out there is asking, is for the equality in way we are treated, equality of rights, equality of freedom to exercise those rights, all I want is that my gender MUST NOT be the answer to every rejection, every NO, every excuse that comes across my way irrespective of the hurdles and circumstances being same for men too. And it is not a lot to ask for. I am worth it. We are worth it, we are worth the stars, the sun and the moon and when we have the potential to soar high in skies, we must not let anyone dampen our spirits.

Whoaaa..I guess I have asked too much Why’s for one single episode? Hahahaha.

Well I have given you food for thought, do think about it, process it and let me know if you can solve any of my why’s with any answer that you might have. You may find me on my Instagram handle - thescribbledsolace that I use to post my poems and any update about my podcast. You can also drop a mail at thescribbledsolace@gmail.com. 

Like always before saying goodbyes, I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, if you are curious to know all that’s about to come your way next, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, iHeartRadio, TuneIn, Buzzsprout and all major providers out there. And guys, I would really love to listen to your stories, so do write in, share your journey and let’s be an inspiration to each other and let’s find the answer to all why’s together. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.