Do you believe in out of sight, out of mind? And, do you also believe in out of sight, out of heart? Well, while I am not so sure about you guys, I somewhat do believe in out of sight and out of mind, while I absolutely do not believe in out of sight, out of heart!
Hey Guys, what’s up? I believe all of you are doing extremely well and are really pumped about the coming weekend. Another Wednesday and here we are. This is me, Shefali host of this podcast, Ranting and Relieving, to give you a piece of my mind while prodding a little more and questioning a lot more. So, cheers to all the curious and furious faces and here, I go!
So guys, I am really fortunate or should I say blessed. Or should I put it, I am fortunately blessed to have found an excellent support system in not just my parents, but in my parents in law as well. From the day I met Mr.K i.e. even before we got officially married, there was such ease between me and my in-laws. It felt like stepping out of one home to go to another home that became mine in no time. Two lovely kids, though my niece and nephew but I know I can love no other kid as much as I love them while my mother and mother in law quite confidently say, until you have your own. But I doubt that, I have been practically there with both of them since they were born, I even named my nephew, so I don’t think it’s happening ever.
As much as I love all of them, they love me back as well and might I mention equally or even more so. To my mother in law and father in law, I have always been the daughter they never had and as much as the sudden demise of Mr.K has impacted me, my parents, I know the lives of my in-laws has been impacted manifold as well. For parents to lose their young promising son, a son for whom they had so many dreams, from whom they had so many expectations and now all those will always remain unfulfilled. As difficult as it has been for my brother to see her sister go through this tormenting phase, it was not easy for my brother in law as well to lose his brother with whom he had grown up. The only difference in our situation is, someday, someone might be there to fill the void in my life and I have to accept it, while they have to live with this void as long they are alive and can make peace with a fact, that atleast they don’t have to justify missing him or thinking about him to others while I am deprived of even reminiscing.
Soon after the sudden turn of events in my life, my parents and my in-laws decided that I should go back to my parents house because that would be relatively easy. But, I have come to an understanding that nothing is actually easy in life, just after few days I was bombarded with all kind of advice. Right from how not looking at our pictures will help me forget him to how I should NEVER speak of him again or atleast should try the best I can. How I should not meet my in-laws, no matter how much they call me to visit them or stay with them, no matter how much the children cry over phone to have me over once. I should not pay any heed to them and MUST ignore their existence in my life as this was all in past.
Ironically, in my country we are always told how marriages are not just about two people it’s about TWO families, but as soon as the couple’s life is disturbed either by separation or divorce or by death, the individual’s relationship with their partner’s family also get severed or the society asks for that even if the families are at no fault at all. In my case, who should I have blamed? And, if my in-laws are not at fault, why must I not see them? Who decided that by visiting them, by staying with them, by going on holidays with them, I will burn yet another hole in my heart? On the contrary, meeting my babies, hearing their voices, looking at those love filled eyes and hugging my in-laws bring me warmth beyond explanation. Even while Mr.K was alive I have always been the pampered child at my in-laws too and after he was gone, that love has insanely increased, one of the many reasons for that could be because they somehow try and find Mr.K in me.
While we were finding our own coping mechanisms, my parents were asked to take down any photos that they had of me and Mr.K at their place, in my bedroom, on my phone, on my side tables. This made me and my parents furious because who are others to decide what works best for me? Putting up pictures on walls, or anywhere else I please must be a proof of how much that person mean to me, but in no world taking down those photos means pressing a delete button in my system. As a basic human nature, the more they wanted me to stop looking at those photos, not meeting my in-laws, I was tempted to do all this even more. While I was trying to hold on to any anchor that might lead to me Mr.K in that darkness, all others were trying were snatching that away from me.
Whenever I met anyone and if somehow his name would come up they would either give me sympathetic looks or they would simply stop talking. I and Mr.K instantly became an uncomfortable topic because OTHERS thought that I MUST not bring up his name and made it awkward while all I was doing was, relating to one of the stories they were telling with one of the stories that I had, what can I do if it included him? He was the most beautiful chapter in my life so far, whom I so badly wished would never have ended.
It was after 9-10 days after I lost Mr.K, my father in law sat next to me and spoke some words of wisdom, which have stayed with me till now. He said, “time never stops and,as time will flow, one thing is bound to happen, all those memories that you have will get shadowed by the new ones you make, good or bad, doesn’t matter, but it will happen. You or any other human being has no control over this. It’s natural. But one thing is even more certain, you will always have your older memories to cherish whenever you want to revisit those and there is nothing wrong or right about that. Those are your memories and your right.” He smiled and further added, ”I see you are scared, and you are trying to hold on to every little thing of Kanishak, but tell me one thing, how would you define yours and his relationship, IS it about the physical connection or the spiritual connection?” Spiritual connection, I instantly answered. He smiled wide and said, ”Then my dear guddo you have nothing to fear about, he is here and will always be there, because bodies die, souls don’t, they live beyond”.
This was one of the few sane advices I have had. I was terrified of how the next morning would be, how will I pass the next night while I lay alone in bed, I was terrified of how will I find my way in this labyrinth where everywhere I see are the shattered pieces of my life and all my “so-called” extended families could do was, pull me down even deeper by snatching my right to grieve as well.
Relationships never die, people do. We are making new memories every single second of day, like right now while I am talking and you are listening to me, and consciously or subconsciously those are being stored. These will get piled on and on, but they will always be there, you can revisit them whenever you want. All I am asking from for is my right of choice to visit them or not. All I asked was not to pressurize me for not thinking about Mr.K. All I wanted was to HAVE A CHOICE. Because quite frankly, with 5 years passed on, things have changed, I have changed and even as life carried on, his thoughts, his memories, our memories still come rushing me at times and I can’t help but rejoice about all the wonderful times we had. Because as I always say, out of sight might mean out of mind, but it can never mean out of heart and heart wants what it wants! With the right support and advice from few, I grew beyond the unrealistic and meaningless expectations other had from me, who cares, even if I don’t fit in their world. Mr.K always said to me, one has to stand for their ownselves, other can support you or pull you down, but it’s YOU who has to stand for yourself. So I did it. Yay! But god knows there are many who are still stuck, who are still proving themselves, who are still trying to fit in.
Thus a request guys if you have been judgmental towards anyone for reminiscing their lost partners, parents, siblings, children, then don’t be so harsh. Let them be, let them have that right of choice, right to grieve, let it be their pain, their way. And my dear Indian society, an even more humble request to you, please LET ME BE, LET THEM BE. Let the women in our society be. Don’t mistake us talking about our happy memories from our past as an indicator of how we are stuck in the past, it just shows we had a great time back then which we like to revisit time and again. It just means we accept our past wholeheartedly, we are proud of what we have made of our lives after that and are at PEACE with our ownselves. That’s it! As simple as it is.
So, what are your thoughts on this? Have you faced these similar changes? Or do you know someone who has? Well feel free to reach me on my Instagram handle - thescribbledsolace that I use to post my poems and any update about my podcast. You can also drop a mail at thescribbledsolace@gmail.com.
Now, guys with our next episode we will be moving on to our 7th episode, five episodes and one trailer, so far. And so, in the next episode you will hear me talking about yet another fundamental right of women which my patriarchal society takes pride in robbing from them, because it puts their, “so-called ego” in question. So, don’t forget to meet me again on next Wednesday. Now time to say goodbyes, but like always I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, Buzzsprout, iHeartRadio and all major providers out there. And guys, I am waiting to hear about your stories, so do write in, share your journey and let’s be an inspiration to each other and emerge as our own superheroes. You can find my details on Buzzsprout’s website. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.
